Some days I can almost feel like myself...and then I push it and fall on my face!
I don't mean to sound like I am not grateful for the progress I have made or for the fact that I AM leaps and bounds better then I was...and when I think of those that walked along side me that are no longer here, how can I feel sorry for myself!??! When I think of the others in our "club" and so many are gone, some are still sick...some may never really get better...Then I feel guilty for being impatient, angry, tired of being sick...I try to remind myself that it can and has been so much worse! I think of Richie, Aunt Jackie, Lou, Pam, Bruce, Debbie, Steve...(the list goes ON & ON!!) they have finished their personal battle...and I wonder, why am I still here? Why are they gone? I guess this is something many survivors feel...just another emotion like fear, anger, self pity...Not very pretty! But there really isn't anything pretty about cancer...not what it does to your body or your mind, It leaves it's mark on each and everyone of us it touches. In one way or another.
I guess today was a "self pity" day. I am missing so many people from my life...the talks I shared with Aunt Jackie, the laughs with Richie, Lou's company...it just seems SO unfair.
I don't get to see Nancy as much as we did in the past...cancer and it's treatment makes you tired...and she is worn out!
So, will I ever be the same...someone asked me that recently...and I answered..."I am a NEW and different me" I will never be the same...how could I be...? Cancer has made me look at things differently...some positive some not so positive! I try to appreciate things more...the whole "life is short" thing...And some days I really do accomplish embracing the positive results of cancer...however, there are other days...like today...when I am just tired...tired of hurting, tired of testing. tired of medications, tired of looking in the mirror and not really recognizing the person there...just tired of being tired!!
But tomorrow will come and I will look into the face of my 14 year old son and I will remember why I am still here...I am not finished yet!! I have too much to accomplish...too many things to impart to my son...too many people to help both in my practice and with this foundation! And tomorrow will be a better day....It's just hard to handle that not ALL the days will be better!!
So, NO I will never be the same...just making it out the other end of cancer makes you different even if it is a blessing....But I will continue to work hard to have more good days then bad...to live my life completely, honestly, as if any day could be my last....I will push forward to build this foundation so that others can have Better tomorrows...easier tomorrows...tomorrows with less worries about things they shouldn't have to worry about!! So they can just have time to HEAL!! If this foundation can ease the burden of just one family then it is worth everything we have put in...but I know, with the people we have behind us, we will help MANY! We will work hard to ease the burden cancer places on a family the only way we can....day by day!