March was a tough month...it was a year ago in March that we lost Lou...losing Richie, it seemed as if March couldn't get any worse with bad news....
With Easter came the news of two friends on the road to completing their own battles with this unfair disease! How could it be?? But is was...and on April 5th a young woman who lost her mother to cancer at age 55, had now finished her battle at 55. Debbie Waterhouse Bakis was AMAZING! She continued to not only live her life through treatment but she EXPERIENCED her life!! She called it Debbie & Bill's Excellent Adventures! She amazed me in how she kept moving forward! Did ALL the things she wanted to do...LIVED the days she had! We weren't very close through our youthful years but cancer brought us together...a common bond.
Two days later a woman, who was like family, finished her long and difficult battle with cancer. Pam Posh finished her long and arduous battle on April 7th. Again, Pam was AMAZING!! When ever I saw her she had a smile on her face and a positive attitude! Pam & her husband John had a wonderful life...a marriage to be envied. Their lives were not devoid of heartbreak but they loved each other dearly and it was obvious when you saw them together. John was her faithful and devoted husband and was by her side through her battle and he truly "loved her through it"! I am so sorry you have to feel this pain John!
So, not only was this all very sad news...but at the same time it was effecting me in a way I couldn't quite put in to words with out sound self absorbed and negative...which would not be fair to the people who finished their own battles with such grace and dignity.
They were all finishing...we were all diagnosed around the same time...they all came through treatment HEALTHIER then me...traveled, worked, lived and loved life!
Why are they all dying and I am still here...? I know that sounds ungrateful but isn't meant to. It is just sometimes unclear...why my road was so difficult but I am seemingly doing well now...and they were doing so well...and then they weren't! It isn't about...will I get sicker again...it's more about why am I still here? What is my true purpose...I feel as if it is imperative that I do something of value with the time I have been given! Or it seems totally unfair that they should ALL be gone! And there are SO many of them!!
So, where do I go with this blog...do I dwell on my fears...? There are many!! Do I worry about the new people joining our "club" everyday...there are many!!! Do I worry for Nancy, my dear, sweet friend...EVERYDAY!!
How do you move forward on those days when you are paralyzed by fear?? Looking for an understanding of purpose...needing to make a mark on the world...sounds crazy sometimes!!
I try to look on the positive side...(and there was definitely positive for me...which is why it is so hard to blog ...the emotions are all over the map!!!)
Len, Christian & I traveled to DC over spring break and had a wonderful 4 days! The trip was rich with history and we had a great time. We came home in time to prepare for Easter and doctor visits...and tests.
The holiday was beautiful and shared by wonderful friends and family...great food and great company...a wonderful combination!!
I saw the surgeon and had tests so we could make some decisions about my port and medications. All the test looked great but the consensus was not to remove the port. Now came the discussion of medication. As most of you know, I have been on injections in my stomach for about 2 1/2 years. They are painful and EXPENSIVE...costing about $3000.00 a month! My goal was to take this financial burden off of my husband & I!! After much thought and discussion...we FINALLY decided to discontinue my injections!!! This is a trial... Len checks me everyday to be certain there are no changes that can indicate a blood clot...but so far so good!! I am NOT missing my daily injection however, I do miss my weekday visits from my friend Barb who helped me out with those injections!! We have found some OTHER reasons to see each other though!!!
April 14th I was blessed to be here to share in the celebration of the Christening of our second granddaughter, Victoria Juliet. It was a beautiful day shared with family and friends!!
The next day brought me to a visit with my FAVORITE oncologist, Dr. Bruno Fang. We reviewed my complaints and I made sure he saw how FEW there were this visit!! As much as I love him and enjoy seeing him I am happy to say I was graduated to 3 months off!!! This will be the longest I have gone with out him in 2 1/2 years!! I may end up going through Bruno withdrawal!!
So this was my difficulty...so much sadness...so much fear and uncertainty...but so many wonderful and positive things as well!! How could I burden a reader with my emotional roller coaster!!
Now it is here...in writing...I realize I am here for a purpose and it would be an injustice to all those who have finished their battle before their time...so young...with such dignity...if I did NOTHING with the time I am being given!!
I will look at all the positive things in my life and will tell my self everyday that I am here for a purpose and not feel guilty that I have been given more time.
I will carry this foundation into the light for all those people who have finished their battles and for those who are still fighting. We will do all we can to help ease the burden this unfair disease places on a family the only way we can...day by day!
Please be sure to join us at our 2 upcoming events...Charmed by Claire May 4th & 5th and Ladies Day Out June 2nd (it's not just for ladies!!) It one way you can helps us help others!!
Thank you for reading some of my quiet insanity!!