The last 2 weeks have been anythng but uneventful! Easter was just a day ago and it was spent with friends and family after Deana, Len, Christian and I shopped, cooked, baked, cleaned and prepared to celebrate the holiday. Tuesday the 3rd was a great day! We spent the day at Fireside Grill & Bar. We were blessed by seeing some many long ago friends and new friends. Patients came out in support of our cause! I felt so proud when a patient said to me, "where else would I be, you always stood by me"! We shared food, drinks and conversation well into the night. We hope a good time was had by all. We would like to extend our thanks to everyone who come out in support of our cause...the friends we knew and the new friends we made! THANK YOU! And A BIG THANK YOU TO Steve, John, Nick and all the wait staff at Fireside...you guys were the BEST!
However, leading up to this Tuesday...was the Tuesday before... which as some of you know, was the day of my MRI for my brain. Within one 1/2 hour of the test we knew we were in trouble. By the time we arrived home the test result was on the office fax machine. Len and I began to read it together and for the first time I truly became a cancer patient...all I read was metastaic carcinoma...I couldn't read any more. I fell apart... I cried for my diagnosis for the first time! We spent the next week having the study read and reread by specialists. Everyone one of them saying something different. Looks like, maybe, could be, not sure, uncertain at this time! All things you really don't want to hear. We did our research and read the results clearer and knew we could be facing leptomenigial cancer which has a life expectency of 7 months. So many things went through my head.... the bridges I may have burned in the past, the friendships lost, the things left unsaid... What do you do when you have 7 months of living to do?? Having just lost Lou and watching how gracefully he left this plane I knew I wanted the same thing for myself and my family! So, while I waited for new doctors to look at my test and probably not really give me a definitive answer I thought about what I wanted to do. I did come up with a list. The following Tues...the day of our fundraiser, I received a call from Bruno Fang...again... this time with yet another interpretation of my scan. Well this doctor found another AVM on the other side of my brain that NO ONE else saw however, he is not convinced that the other thing they see is leptomenigial cancer...but if it isn't he really can't tell us what it is!! So, what does this mean?? I could under go 3 lumbar punctures on different days...the first has a 90% chance of false negative, then a second with a 50% chance of false negative and then a third with a 30% chance of a flase negative. Again, what does that mean?? After all that painful, invasive testing they may still not know if it is positive or not!
Our decision now is, we have discontinued my meds that keep my cancer from coming back, (supposedly for some people) for 3 weeks at which time if my severe symptoms of pain have subsided we can wait 2 months and rescan for this cancer. If the symptoms to not abate then it is more likely something is going on in my brain and we would have to move forward. Moving forward could mean lumbar punctures and/or the diagnosis of a cancer that has NO treatment. Do I really need to know this to proceed with my life?? I don't think so! I have stopped the medication, I am waiting to see if my symptoms get any better...not as of yet...and then i beleive we will just wait for the 2 months and re-MRI my brain. I believe 2 months is soon enough to find out anything. To find out I am going to live longer then 7 months would be nice but I will continue to LIVE my life that way with or with out those words! And if I do only have 7 months??? DO I really need to know that!!
So, here is my plan...I am going to do ALL those things that came to me in the days that I assumed I was dying. I am going to love my husband, my children, share and do the things I want to do and I will take the time to repair any bridge that I may have burned with something I did, didn't do or even if the bridge was burned by someone else. There are friends in my life that seem to have drifted and some of them I am unclear as to why...those are the bridges I need to repair. Family bridges...well, the family and friends that shares this battle with me..I just need to love them more, enjoy them more and be sure they realize how much I appreciate them! I will take the time to put into words the the things that we never seem to get to say to each other....I will do all these things no matter how much time I have...because really...how do we ever know for certain
So, Love deeper, speak sweeter, give forgiveness you've been denying...if you get the chance, live like you were dying! I will continue this until my dying breath and live each day as if it is my last...day by day!
So, I hope you understand my reluctance to blog this event in our lives. We needed to share it with family first and then I really had to come to my terms with what it all means to me. But the people that take the time to read my blogs...you are family...because family takes time for each other...no matter what! Thank you for all your past and future support! Keep your eyes open for all our upcoming events! Goodnight...I Love you all! Please feel free to post your comments...It really helps to hear your thoughts!!